Saturday, April 22, 2017

Things are not going well.

Hi Everyone,

I know I haven’t written anything here in a long while. This is the second attempt at this post. I’d written a 2700 word entry earlier with a full narrative of what’s happened to me in the past few days, but I’m scrapping it because I feel it may be over sharing.

Here is the tl:dr- My cat Caper died four days ago. I dedicated Scamming Death to her last year because she went through a major health scare and I was grateful to still have her. A new health scare occurred five days ago without warning and after some tests and consultations with vets, I chose to euthanize her. I don’t want to explain all of the ins and outs of that extremely difficult decision because it reduces me to tears and I still question if I made the right choice, but this ordeal has made it very clear to me that I need counseling. I need grief counseling for sure and probably some general counseling.

Geez, I think I still may be over sharing. But the bottom line is that I am on hiatus basically for a bit. I am very close to finishing the rough draft of Mr. Conjure, the sixth Scary Mary. The cover is even done - Karri Klawiter did another excellent job. Even though the novel is well on its way, Caper’s death has ground me to a halt. For the past eight months, a large chunk of my life was consumed with taking care of her for an ongoing condition and to suddenly lose her to something totally unexpected has blindsided me hard. She was 16 years old. I know that’s pretty old for a cat, but I was hoping to get to 20 with her.

And I know a lot of people will not understand how this can effect me so powerfully. (I’m also struggling with the shame of being effected so powerfully.) But she lived with me for 16 years. That’s a long fucking time. I also have to admit that I’ve had mild depression for a long time and this has just cranked it to eleven. I am going to seek professional help and hopefully begin healing.

So, I know I mentioned the book may be out in May, but I highly doubt that will happen. I can’t focus on anything at the moment and don’t know when I’ll be able to. I still have a full-time job that I need to do, and though they’ve been very understanding, I only get so much leave.

Thanks for reading this.

(I may remove this post at some point. I'm not sure if it's something that I want archived. I'm still not sure about even posting it to begin with.)

12 comments :

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you the best and you definitely deserve some time to take care of yourself.

S.A. Hunter said...

Thanks so much, anon. Each day is a little easier, but there's a long way to go.

Alexia Purdy said...

Hugs! So sorry to hear this and that it has affected you so much. Really sending prayers your way. I suffer from depression too and it can be so hard to push off when things like this happen. Many hugs and take all the time you need. Your fans will support you. <3

E House said...

You have my sympathies as well--it's so tough to lose a part of your family like that, and cats ARE family! I'm glad you're making taking care of yourself a priority; it's the right call.

Speaking as a reader, we'll be here whenever you're ready again. :)

Maria Phillips said...

I am so very sorry for your loss! Two years ago I had to put my cat to sleep and I still catch myself getting teary about it. Nothing wrong with that. Love is love and when you lose it, it hurts! Hugs and prayers to you! Take care of yourself first!

S.A. Hunter said...

Alexia - Thank you so much. I am ready to be better. I'm just sad it took such a terrible incident to get me to this place.

E House - Thank you as well. I don't want the writing to go fallow. I had dinner with an author friend to talk about Mr. Conjure and she gave me some good advice. It's going to be extremely slow though. My focus is shot.

Maria - Thank you! I've never had to do this before and Caper was my first pet after I moved out. She was with me for a lot of firsts. I have another cat and we're both trying to figure out how to go on without her.

TaM D'Lyte said...

On a more pleasant note, I've just downloaded your first Scary Mary book and the Demon one to help your Amazon Algs... I can't give you a hug, but I can give you a boost! ;) My bunny just recently passed after 6 weeks of hand feeding/medicating/last breath in my arms... my eldest dog is looking pretty sketchy after ten years (older when I got her from shelter) so I know these critters are part of the family. And we do tend to hang a lot of baggage on what they represent to us, ("first" this or thats) as in my father gave me that bunny, and my kid got me that dog and has since grown up and moved out of house and getting married now... and left the dog... along with all her other paraphernalia... lol... Anyways, hoping the time that has passed has mellowed the hurt, and is leaving you with the more warm, glowy feelings of better memories...

S.A. Hunter said...

Dear TaM D'Lyte,

Thank you so much. I hope you enjoy the books. It has been a week today. Hard for me to accept that and I also picked up her ashes from the vet today and that was really rough. It didn't help that my first counseling session got moved back to this coming Tuesday rather than today...But I'm hanging in there. I met up with a couple of author friends to talk. And tomorrow I volunteer at WriterHouse, a non-profit for writers and anyone interested in creative writing. I still have crying jags, but I'm bouncing back quicker each time. Thanks.

Lisa Brotherton said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Our pets become such a big part of our families, it's hard to differentiate between pet and child. 16 years is a very long time and it is absolutely understandable that this is affecting you the way that it is. I still mourn pets I lost years ago and agonize still if I made the right choice for them.
We are your fans and we stand behind you. We are here because we love you and your work. Take all the time you need to get back to you. Mary will wait and so can we. Best of luck and you will be on my heart. Rest in sweet peace, Caper.

Reaell said...

I'm so sorry she passed away. My cat passed away November 2nd....is was so very sad, but it was his time. He was 12...just a few months older than me. I miss him so much, but he will always be here in my heart.

Vannelope von Schweetz said...

I'm sorry about Caper. I completely understand. My dog that I'd had since college recently went laid down and never got up again. I also understand the depression and the feeling of just not being able to get anything done. We will all be here when you make it through. ❤️

S.A. Hunter said...

Lisa-Thank you. Your words are a huge comfort.

Reaell - I am so sorry for you. I know you'll cherish your kitty's memory forever. I remember our first cat - His name was Smokey. He was a gentle boy who loved to cuddle.

Vannelope - Thank you. I need to learn some coping skills. Have the first appt with a therapist tomorrow. Have never been to see one before so this will be something very new.